so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
