tell your sister to shave her snatch
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
