I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
