I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
