life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
