What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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