I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
