Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
