So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
