Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
