If that was your dad, he is hot
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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