There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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