i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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