Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
