I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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