you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize