I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
