I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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