she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
