don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
