Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
