Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
