I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Blood and glitter go together right?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
