he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
