haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
