So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
