this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
