You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
