I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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