woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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