As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
