That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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