my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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