There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
