I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
