Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
