I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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