Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
