If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
