Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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