i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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