i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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