I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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