He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize