Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
