i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
