i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
