I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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