6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Mom said you looked used
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
