How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
