I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
