This girl is more easily done than said...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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