She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
