you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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