Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
